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 A Thousand Miles (A poem I wrote)

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Fluffytots
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PostSubject: A Thousand Miles (A poem I wrote)   Wed Oct 17, 2012 10:35 pm

I wrote this in school for someone I love. Leave below any feed back. Please keep the negativity to a minimum/none. If you don't understand something just ask. If you see a grammar mistake please tell me.



A Thousand Miles

I would walk a thousand miles for you, my love. I wouldn't eat or drink or sleep. I wouldn't eat as it would weigh me down and prolong my journey. Therefore it is not necessary. I wouldn't drink as the water would extinguish the fire in my heart that burns for you ever so bright. Therefore it is not necessary. I wouldn't sleep as it could be my last. Therefore it is not necessary. I would only Take the clothes on my back and the love and dreams I have for you. Dreams of seeing you and dreams of hearing you and dreams of touching you and finally dreams of loving you. My heart beats ever so fiercely for you as I begin my journey of a thousand miles. I journey over far and wide wastelands. not stopping to observe nature to hear the birds chirp a beautiful song or to rest by the gentle flowing river. The dawn and dusk past ever so quickly. The sun greets me in the morning while the endless amount of stars guide me through the night. But with good there always must be an evil. Beasts sent from mixed emotions cloud my mind with negativity. Their Tongue, so Sneaky and tempting like a snakes. Their words are like needles jabbing with every word they say, "Fool you can never make such a journey, turn back now". But I have you on my side. The one who has my love. The one who fuels my determination. The one who fuels my heart with hope so powerful it shines with a light so bright it sends the beast back from where they came. I continued journeying over long and hard wastelands. Still not stopping to hear the birds chirp their beautiful song or to rest by the gentle flowing river. I press on to complete my journey for you. My determination fueled by your love, so powerful it can never be broken. Through fire and flames, and the seasons pasting I still press on. As I get to the end of my journey I walk into a landscape like none other. Endless fire, no day but only a dark night and evil everywhere, like Hell itself. I still press on remembering why I went on this journey. I remember it is for you. Then, happening so fast, a pure evil presence surrounds me, Grasping me with a pure force of strength like none other. This one wasn't like the beasts earlier. It didn't have the tongue of a snake but of a serpent. Its words are like unholy water, extinguishing the Fires of hope that fueled my determination for you. It is to powerful, I cannot continue. I walked back in the direction I came. All beaten, weak and defeated. Tears drip from my face like those of a warrior returning alive to find he has nothing left. No more hope in my heart to power the determination I have for you. I drop to my knees, to weak to stand. I raise my hand to the dark night sky and let out a scream "JUST GIVE ME A SIGN TO CONTINUE". And then I lay my head back down just staring at the ground like it was nothing. Then a miracle, a shimmering light appears in front of me. Its shine is very bright for something so small. It speaks in such a soothing tone. "Do not give up, you will never be able to complete your dreams". As I pick up my head, the light changed into the reason I did the journey. It's you, my love. You stare with such heavenly eyes. Your voice is so angelic. Your hair, so smooth and perfect. And your heart beats for me as mine does for you. The evil presence speaks again, "Fool, you are to weak, turn back now". The light then enters my heart and in an instant shines a light so bright, like a star exploding of old age. Its power is tremendous, completely destroying the evil and darkness from the land. Day finally can shine on the landscape. I press on through the newly made land created from heaven itself. This time I do stop to hear the birds chirp. Their song is so beautiful, how could I of not heard? This time I do stop to rest by the gentle flowing river. It brings peace and harmony to my mind and soul. The sun rises and I greet it and I no longer need the stars as the newly found light of hope in my heart guides me to you. At last, my journey for you is complete. You stand there so gracefully. I can finally see you. Your so angelic as the dawns lights shine on you. I can finally hear you. Your voice so soothing like the songs the birds make. I can finally touch you. Your skin, so perfect like the gentle flowing river I rested by. And I can finally love you. The thought of my true love being in front of me was to good to be true. I would do anything for you, my love. I would feed you as food is the basic for new life. Therefore it is necessary. I would quench your thirst as water is the liquid of hope and love. I would rock you to sleep as sleep brings the new dawn everyday. Therefore it is necessary. I would walk a thousand miles for you, my love. Because love starts with a single step.

Written by ~Fluffytots


I love writing poetry because you can make anything you want into something entirely different. If anyone is an expert in poetry see if you can spot out some morals of this poem. Also I know the title is a little cliche so if you have a better title post it.

Sorry for it being so long ;-;







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PostSubject: Re: A Thousand Miles (A poem I wrote)   Wed Oct 17, 2012 10:46 pm

Therefore it is not necessary. I would only Take the clothes on my back and the love and dreams I have for you. Dreams of seeing you and dreams of hearing you and dreams of touching you and finally dreams of loving you. My heart beats ever so fiercely for you as....

I got up to there then got distracted and stopped reading. But from what i read it's very... how should i put this... Like deep or something i can't find the right word to describe it... But yeah Very "Deep" and such for now.


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PostSubject: Re: A Thousand Miles (A poem I wrote)   Thu Oct 18, 2012 8:11 pm

Ooo~ a poem, I like poems, now, let's fix it, there's only a few (lol ok maybe more than a few) grammatical errors, although it is a very good poem. Sorry if I sound like a grammar Nazi, but grammatical errors are just awkward in a really good piece. Please read it so you may edit and become a great writer!

@Fluffytots wrote:
The dawn and dusk past ever so quickly.

lol, "The dawn and dusk pass* ever so quickly." Past is... Well, past tense... The context implies present. Therefore, you watch the dawn and dusk *pass* ever so quickly. If not, then it should be "The dawn and dusk passed* ever so quickly."

@Fluffytots wrote:
I would only Take the clothes on my back...

lol this one is really obvious, that random capital T.

@Fluffytots wrote:
not stopping to observe nature...

lol, these types of mistakes are actually pretty common, you can only truly see them if either someone points them out, or you re-read. Capitalized N.

@Fluffytots wrote:
Their Tongue, so Sneaky and tempting like a snakes.

dat shift key.

@Fluffytots wrote:
...so bright it sends the beast back from where they came.

@Fluffytots wrote:
Beasts sent from mixed emotions cloud my mind with negativity.

Make up your mind, is it one beast or more than one beast D:

@Fluffytots wrote:
and the seasons pasting I still press on.

Ermagerd, what is it with you and "past". Pasting isn't a word... Passing*

@Fluffytots wrote:
Grasping me with a pure force...

@Fluffytots wrote:
...the Fires of hope that fueled my determination for you.

ermagerd shift key, we meet again.

@Fluffytots wrote:
I drop to my knees, to weak to stand.

I honestly didn't expect this type of error to come from such a good writer D: too* weak to stand.

@Fluffytots wrote:
Their song is so beautiful, how could I of not heard?

I honestly think I may be wrong with this one, but I may not be as well. "how could I not have* heard?" People pronounce "could have" and "would have" as "could of" and "would of" so I see how you can make this mistake, but in my opinion (I still think I could be wrong), it's could I have not. Basically switch not and of, then change of to have. Otherwise it would be "how could I have not heard" which would more or less be like... "I could have not heard of this." Which is grammatically incorrect because "I could have" meaning you're looking back at like "I could have stopped him from..." and "not heard of this" meaning present, because you've never heard of "this". So it would be like putting past and present together... "How could I not have heard" is correct because it's saying "how could I not" like it's present tense looking back at past tense, remembering it's happened before, and "have heard" meaning the thing you are looking back at, and noticing you know the sound has went on before, and you don't remember hearing it, but now you are hearing it, and noticing it for the first time.

Lol I know that one was long, but it seemed hard for me to explain. Once again, I may be wrong... But I know that "I of not heard" is grammatically incorrect.

@Fluffytots wrote:
Your so angelic as the dawns lights shine on you.

Your shows possession, and when describing the way someone looks, unless it is a part of them, you cannot use your. It is You're* because you are telling them that they are angelic, not they have angelic because "angelic" is a description, and not a physical item.

Flufflytots wrote:
I would quench your thirst as water is the liquid of hope and love. I would rock you to sleep as sleep brings the new dawn everyday.

You just forgot to include "Therefore it is necessary." after "liquid of hope and love." because in the beginning you state that water is not necessary, and sleep, and food. They each had their own "Therefore it is not necessary." therefore, you must include a "Therefore it is necessary." after "liquid of hope and love." because it is necessary.

Also note there are few commas in this piece, I suggest going back and placing commas where necessary to pause for emphasis and such, such as "Therefore, it is necessary." or "Therefore, it is not necessary."



Other than these errors, I just completely love this poem, please edit it and make it better so that others may see the beauty in your writing! :D



hue hue hue

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PostSubject: Re: A Thousand Miles (A poem I wrote)   Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:41 pm

Buuuuump jeez, when you ask for grammar mistakes and someone gives you a list of corrections you need to make, the least you could do is actually MAKE the corrections .-.

Like ermagerd, it's a really good free verse, it's just, it's filled with so many errors that just take metaphorical knives and stab it in its metaphorical torso...



hue hue hue

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PostSubject: Re: A Thousand Miles (A poem I wrote)   Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:45 pm

I'll allow that double post.



"Killing is an art unto itself and I am Rembrandt"


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